Every week or so I’ll get an E-mail telling me that, “your money will be deposited within 2 working days from the check date.” In human words, my paycheck is being direct deposited into my bank account. Cool! I get to skip the part where I wait for a check in the mail, sign it (Ugh) and go down to the bank (Ugh again) and make small talk with some hot bank teller that makes me shy. How convenient! Now I have so much more room for activities!
Now that the money is in my bank account I should pay my bills! Should I buy some stamps and write some checks? Are you wondering what a stamp is? Or even what a check is? Well don’t worry about it and go ahead and go back to Snapchatting, because these things probably won’t be around for much longer.
Not only do I not have to write checks, lick envelopes or buy stamps anymore, I don’t even have to touch the money! It’s in my bank account and sent to the gas company before I could even stare into the eyes of Lincoln or Jackson. You might be thinking, “Hey Brent (asshole,) online banking has been around for years, where the fuck have you been?” I know. But what might not be around for many more years is physical money. I had a thought the other day… when is the last time I saw my money? I do look at my balance online everyday, but when was the last time I held my cash in my hands?
I couldn’t even answer my own question. Like a lot of young people today, we pay our bills online and pay for everyday things with our debit cards. Who wants to carry cash? You know you’re going to lose your wallet drunk at the club on Saturday, again!
I didn’t decide to not use cash anymore on purpose. Maybe I’m just too lazy and forgetful to go to the ATM. Before I start bitching that this is a bad thing and technology will be the death of us, I’m going to say that this is awesome.
The US Mint must love this! They must be pretty tired of designing and printing new bills every six months to make things more difficult for the counterfeiters. Look at the new $50 bill! It has tinsel and sequins glued to it! Wow look at the colors! Hold it up to the light! You can see George Washington fuckin his wife! But somehow the counterfeiters find a way to recreate it. And business and banks still accept the old bills so what does it matter?
It’s just an odd thought. No money, just a balance in your bank account. This could be great for preventing robberies. You can’t hold up a 7-11 and say, “Everybody down on the ground! Direct Deposit me all your money or I’ll kill you!” It just won’t work.
I’ve had fraud on my Debit Card three times. Luckily I call the bank, they agree that it is actually fraud and without hesitation, repay me. That’s great. But it makes me think they’re in on it. Like they do this to everyone and only repay the ones who notice and take the time to call. What millionaire is going to miss $500 anyway?
BUT! (And here’s the sad part)
What about the strippers??? Poor girls will have to have debit card readers in their ass cracks. NAILED IT.
We’re all doomed. When it comes to love and relationships, it’s actually already over.
If you’re a male, specifically a young bachelor, chances are you’ve been on a date or even in a relationship with a woman who’s obsessed with Instagram. She refreshes it in front of you every 10 seconds, possibly even at the movies together, and the best part of her day is awaking from a seven hour slumber to check how many new photos are in her feed after such a long time away from the app. It’s the modern day breakfast!
That’s tolerable, I guess, but it’s a sickness. Yes, a sickness. Lets face it… you’re addicted. Not because you like to be informed by your frienemy of how good the sunset looks, but because you like the attention. Or maybe you just like making your life look better than it really is. Either way, the ignored underlying factor in this obsession is sex, no matter how much a man or woman wants to deny it. A “like” means that you want to have sex with me… right?? You double tapped my photo because you wanna double tap dat ass… right??? You can try to pretend this is an incorrect evaluation but c’mon. Are you in denial or just a flat out liar?
Now, with that unwritten rule of Insta out of the way, the real reason I’m writing this is to hopefully inform the bachelors out there that they’re not alone. Something horrendous and undoable has happened. Who’s kidding who? Instagram is a woman’s world. Men are only on Instagram because females are. Because of Instagram and other social media, all women are aware of potential suitors like never before. So relationships are running their course much faster and almost instantly. Who doesn’t judge someone by their Instagram profile before they’ve even met him or her in person? You have already said no before you’ve even learned their name.
When I think about dating in a pre-internet, pre-smart phone era, I get butterflies in my stomach. How amazing would it be to spend time with a woman you like, with her undivided attention and no cell phone in her purse getting 100+ notifications an hour from men that want to bang her?!
Maybe most of these guys aren’t better than you, but to her, some have to be. And when you inevitably say something she doesn’t like, for example, “Hey, wanna put Instagram away for a second? I’m trying to talk to you,” she’s not going to sit there and take it. She’s going to politely eat the dinner you’re buying, and be on her way. Instead of talking about it, you just stop getting texted back. No warning, no attempts to work it out, just onto the next.
Well all that I can think of is back in the day, how would you ever know if dozens or hundreds of people were interested in you? Would they all write you a handwritten letter? Send a cute emoji to your pager? Well, it would have to be in numerical form (my parents used to send 100 200 300 to say I Love You.) The bottom line is, you couldn’t have known or even fathomed it.
Say that you finally do find a special someone, and you have your doubts, as in any relationship, but did that drive you away? No. You stuck it out and worked on it because well, who else is there? Did you want to go through that whole dating process again? Take out an ad in the newspaper (or whatever they did) and wait by the phone in your kitchen? No. That just isn’t the case anymore. Apps such as Instagram have eliminated the waiting game. No more wonder, mystery or time consumed in the search. Heck, you got 124 likes on your last selfie! You can pick one of them to be your boyfriend!
It’s not fair to say this broad statement pertains to all broads (women.) On Twitter they all seem to be complaining about being single, but to me it seems like women are no longer really looking for true love, per se. They’re looking for what they can post online that will make others believe they are loved. Whatever that may be.
Another sad aspect of this shift in social life is how many relationships are quickly destroyed because a guy or girl likes a picture of another guy or girl. Consider that relationship over. Any innocent excuse you have is useless. “Babe she’s just my old neighbor,” he’ll cry. “I have 964 other followers that wouldn’t do this to me,” she’ll reply in her head. Cue the (texting) cold shoulder.
Say you’ve been seeing a girl and things haven’t been going so well. She’s distant, not that into you, but you had something. The next week you start seeing a new girl. Then you take a picture together and post it on your Instagram. Genius! Now the old girl sees it. And what does she do? She likes it! Well, what the hell does that mean? Is she mad? Is she happy you’ve moved on? Everyone’s different but guess what? You’ll never know. And that’s how the game is played. No score, no ending, you just… play it.
It’s a sad fact that men and women now gauge their worth by how many followers they have or how many likes a photo accumulates. It’s inaccurate and it makes people who shouldn’t feel so important, cocky, and the people who should feel cocky, worthless.
Not only is the dating scene completely changed now, so has social life in general. I was truly convinced that social life is dead this past Thanksgiving. I still sit at the kids table or what I call the, “bury my face into my iPhone while I eat with the other hand and respond to every question I’m asked with the word “nothing” table. What the fuck has happened? You can’t even speak to someone who grew up with a cell phone, but they can text you until the sun comes up. What is it? Do they just not know? Has this been a fixture in their lives for so long that this way of living is the new normal? Is this just the way of the future because our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter?
Whatever the answer is, I fucking hate it. I’m ready to smash everyone’s head into their plates, who at the first sign of “awkwardness” have to grab their phones and look at “nothing” just to feel comfortable. Yeah, there are lulls in conversation. It’s not a sign that things are going badly. This is life. And like a drunk relative I felt the need to bring this to everyone’s attention right in the middle of dinner. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m the asshole! Everyone turned on me for being the normal one. Granted, they agreed this was happening, but no one cared.
I’m part of the last generation to have lived before cell phones and the Internet and was perfectly happy without it. I’ll admit it, I’ve fallen to the feet of Instagram and it’s insane unwritten code of conduct because what else am I gonna do? Take out an ad in the newspaper?
Let me change my perspective and say that this new way of life is a good thing. Remembers cheaters? Who can do that any more? Thanks to tagging, GPS and frankly, dumb spouses who don’t know how to delete texts and photos, cheaters days are numbered if not over.
So what now? Will social media ever disappear? Probably not. Are newborns that come out of the womb playing with an iPad just going to all of a sudden shun these devices? Maybe, if someday down the road we come to find these devices are doing as much harm to us as cigarettes. But hey, people still smoke. Shouldn’t I be embracing this? I’m 25 years old. Isn’t this kind of talk is only expected from baby boomers?
This technology was intended to bring us closer together and more connected than ever before. I feel the exact opposite. I feel like nobody’s listening anymore. I just broke another unwritten Internet rule: complaining. Do that online and you’re unfollowed!
The saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em” comes to mind. “He doesn’t have a Facebook??? What’s wrong with him?” You might as well not exist. No one has taught us Gen Xers how to deal with this new (or not so new) way of life. Maybe nobody knows how to yet, but we need to figure out something.
Even after all this I’ll still be squandering on, refreshing my feed and posting my best selfies (that’s in the dictionary now) I’ll keep liking girls photos and flying through relationships faster than a disposable razor, and I’ll keep scrolling through list of “likers” hoping that my crush is in their somewhere. I just can’t help but keep thinking, when is enough enough? As time goes on, children will be stumbling upon their parents Instagram and see pictures of them partying years before they were even born! To me, that couldn’t be any weirder.
It’s obvious that the old days of dating are long gone and never coming back, but I will forever be searching for that happy medium between modern day life and The Amish. Instagram has fucked up our love lives forever, well, those of us who had lives before selfies. #SorryNotSorry #NoFilter @BrentSinatra